Some by quiet example, others heard loud and very very clear. Some by her extraordinary capacity to care, and many others by her struggles in receiving it. Through her life and her death, every message she shared, whether intentional or not, was and is so special because it originated from a person I loved so completely.

As a mommy-to-be, I look forward to more fully experiencing the unconditional love that I already have for this little sweet potato. And I know it’s one of those things I won’t totally grasp until he or she is in my arms. And maybe not even then… But I can say with certainty that my Gramma was one of the few people that I was able to love and cherish unconditionally, even in our most challenging days together.

I grew up with her a mile away. We’d spend afternoons at her house discussing school days, watching PBS and drinking ginger ale. Later she moved into an apartment in our house, accessed (the short way) through a secret passage connecting our two closets. Going to visit Gram after school was like escaping to another world where we could watch tv and just sit together. She was all mine. I loved seeing her face when I’d pop out of her closet for a visit. Then came the big move; a new home for all of us, a new setup, a new arrangement. As my amazing dad created an in-law apartment for her downstairs, Gram moved in with us directly for a period of time… By far the most challenging and rewarding of them all. We, as a family, could be laughing one minute and crying the next… often frustrated over the little things that became the big things, like cooking and laundry and bathrooms and space. Noone knew for sure during that time who was depending on who, and it was a daily struggle to create and subsequently shift the roles each of us played within our multigenerational family. But I had my Gramma with me always. Even if she was getting under my skin. Even if I was getting under hers. She taught me patience, the beauty of cooperation, the true meaning of appreciation and the importance of understanding both sides of a caring relationship.

I learned just as much from my mother as I did from my direct experiences with Gram. As Gram’s health began to slowly but surely decline, and one fall followed the last, my mom taught me how to provide care with remarkable sensitivity. She was constantly looking out for Gram’s best interest, her health and especially her feelings. I learned from mom the power of reassurance and encouragement and from Gram, how to react and how not to. She fought being a care recipient tooth and nail and was so determined to hang on to her independence that it was often to her own detriment. But we all did everything possible to understand, support and respect her and in the end we were all better off for it.

Here began my interest in aging, elder-care, and the whole concept of dependency. Once I went off to college, my learning expanded beyond our little experiential case study of a family unit and on to textbooks and majors in psychology and healthcare. Whenever possible I explored and studied multigenerational households, home care, gerontology, attitudes toward aging and caring for older populations… To the point where my love of old people became a part of my identity and still is. I went on to nursing school with a strong motivation to care for people like my own Gram and to treat them as I would her.
My professional and personal goals all trace back to my Gram, my fascination with her life experiences and what she added to my own.

She moved into a nursing home after the determination was made that she required care beyond what was possible in our family’s home and I continued to learn from her during her years there, mainly through my mom’s stories and recounts of their visits. She struggled with dementia and an awareness of her own memory issues and confusion. But through it all, she remained strong, so caring, and so much a part of who I am that it is difficult to fathom.

Maureen Bessette passed away peacefully surrounded by family this week, leaving 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 5 great-grandchildren and 2 on the way, including my very own. It is a well-known fact that family meant absolutely everything to her, so you can imagine that my memories are but a small part of the impact that she had while she was with us.

I am so blessed to have had her so close and I will forever cherish all that I learned from my Grammy.