… I’d rather be back in the hospital enduring my induction and giving birth again than back in the hospital working. Fine. I’m exaggerating. Mostly.
My optimist husband would love for me to skip this post and stop with the dwelling… Sorry babes. Soon. Soon I will do that maybe.
The last few months have flown by. Physically I was totally prepared for my work return and it has truly proven to be so much easier to function as a non pregnant nurse – physically. I can speed walk to the med room faster. I can fit into tinier spaces between IV poles and tray tables and walkers and chairs and humans. I can stand all day without my calves turning into water balloons and best of all I just have more energy – which is the atypical part. I am so grateful that little Lydie is such a (heaven-sent) sleeper. I can’t imagine if she weren’t.
Emotionally, though, this is no joke. It’s only been two shifts and I know it will continue to get easier from here…but leaving that little face in the morning, knowing that I won’t be back to her for 14-15 hours is SO hard. We prepared ourselves (thank you newly married couples for those happy opportunities to practice being apart from her). Still though, leaving for work is a horse of a different color. So very different and so very awful.
Being a nurse is hard and takes a really long time to be good at. I survive. My patients survive and even sometimes get better and that’s the whole goal right? But it pains me so much to know that I’m not great at this yet. You can’t know everything at this stage in the game and that is a really difficult thing to have to face every shift… to wake up knowing you’re about to do a mediocre job and there’s not much you can do except get through it and learn. Haven’t I done that for 5 years already?.. Yes and nursing school was brutal. You think you make it through and it’s smooth sailing and it’s just not. And now I’m on my own, feeling like I’ve forgotten half of what I learned prior to birth-giving. Having a baby is like a total brainwashing. Alert and oriented? Mmmm at least I’ve got the alert part going for me.
The up sides. I love my patients. I know that I will eventually love every bit of caring for them, because I know eventually I will meet my own standards of excellence. I know I will get there and that’s why I keep going. And most importantly, I know that my little bug will be proud to have a mommy who takes care of people.
It will get easier. I hope and I know. For now though I will spend today recovering from yesterday and holding her tight. And soaking up every bit of this cuteness and the inspiration to be strong, hang in there and be the best I can ever ever be.
